How can I restore a broken relationship?
Genuine friendships involve risk: the risk of being honest, of being known for who you are, of being hurt, and of having someone walk away. These valuable relationships are sometimes strained, and sometimes they are broken. What do you do when that happens? Here are some suggestions:
Ask, “Is it worth it?”
Whoa! Hold the bus! What kind of question is that? Haven’t we been saying that friendships are incredibly valuable? Yes, we sure have, but sometimes we realize that we have had unrealistic expectations. Maybe we wanted the person to give us more than she could give. Maybe we wanted too much from someone. Maybe we realize that the relationship has been unhealthy for a long, long time, and our attempts to make it right have failed over and over again. “Is it worth it?” is a good and valid question to ask. We shouldn’t hang on at all costs. That would be foolish. Friendships work because both people have a commitment to respect and value each other. We can’t make the other person have that commitment. It has to be his or her decision. Sometimes we have to realize a friendship is over. It may have been good while it lasted, but it’s now time to move on. On the other hand, we may realize that the relationship is precious to us and we want to pay the price to make it right. Paying the price often involves admitting what we have done to hurt that person and repenting so it doesn’t happen again. It also involves being honest about how the other person has hurt us and forgiving. Trust has been shattered, but we can pick up the broken pieces together and rebuild the relationship.
Bite your tongue and listen
When two friends are hurt, it often occurs that one is the talker and the other is the listener. Make sure you listen-even if you are usually the talker! You may think you have all the answers. You have analyzed the situation and you have a plan to get things back on track. But if that’s the case, it’s my guess that one of the biggest problems in the relationship is your demand to control your friend! (Ouch!) Focus on listening. And don’t quit listening after the other person has said three sentences. Really listen! Shut up, give good eye-contact, and pay attention to the feelings as well as the words.
Ask second and third questions
To be sure you understand what the other person is saying, ask questions like, “Would you explain how you felt when that happened?” Or “How could I have said that better?” Or “Would you tell me more about that?” Asking these questions lets you find out more about the other person, and it builds trust.
Accept appropriate responsibility
Some of us are blame throwers, and some of us are blame sponges. The throwers think they are never wrong. It’s always somebody else’s fault. . . yours! If that’s the way you typically handle conflict, learn to say those three little words that are the foundation of a good relationship: “I was wrong.” And if you are a sponge who takes the blame for any and every problem in the relationship (and in world politics and for global warming, too!), learn to define what is really your responsibility and what isn’t. Sponges let people get away with all kinds of offenses in relationships. When they become stronger and take responsibility only for their own behavior and not the behavior of others, it allows them to enjoy life far more. That’s a difficult transition, but a necessary one. If they don’t learn that skill, they almost always gravitate from one blame thrower to another the rest of their lives. Not a pretty picture.
Don’t gloss over real problems and pretend they aren’t significant
When we’re hurt, it’s easy to say, “Oh, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.” But it does matter. Learn to speak the truth about the things you care about and to drop the things that aren’t important. For instance, if your friend makes fun of you in front of other people and then says, “Hey, I was only kidding!” That’s something to talk about. Actually, it is two things: one is the offense of making fun of you publicly, and the other is denying that it is important. If you tend to go mush-brained when you want to talk to a friend about important things, write it out and have it with you. When your mind turns to oatmeal, take the paper out and read it. Resolving problems is too important to just let things go on and on. Do whatever it takes to bring things to the surface so you can resolve them.
Don’t run away
Some of us have a unique way of dealing with problems with others-we split! We walk out of the room, get out of the car, or turn on the television to avoid the painful and awkward discussion. If that’s the way you handle difficult times, nail your shoes to the floor so you can’t go anywhere. (No, I’m just kidding. Use glue. Quick drying works best.)
Don’t attack
And avoid the other common extreme, coming unglued! The reason broken friendships hurt so bad is that we valued them so much. That’s both a good thing and a bad thing, but don’t let your intense hurt drive you to try to hurt that person. Pray, ask God for wisdom, strength, and peace so you can say what needs to be said - and only what needs to be said - in a way that honors the Lord.
If you try to resolve things several times but nothing works, you have some choices:
- You can shrug your shoulders and go back to the way things were (not a good choice).
- You can walk away (maybe a good choice).
- Or you can ask a mature, objective, wise person to act as a mediator to help the two of you try to resolve things.
Don’t just pick your next best friend! And don’t let the other person pick. That’s stacking the deck. Agree on someone who will be as impartial and wise as possible, someone who has experience working these things out. A youth pastor or school counselor may be your best option. If the relationship is really important to you, this is a worthwhile step to take.
