Friends: How can I tell who I can trust?
Not everybody who claims to be a friend is a true one. Learn to spot a counterfeit before you’ve trusted and been hurt. Here are some “non-friend friendships” to watch out for:
Virtual friends
A virtual friend is a one-way relationship that you have with another person. These people could be your favorite band, actors or actresses, famous athletes, or any other people you admire from a distance. To the degree that you try to be like them, they influence your life. Some of us obsess about members of the opposite sex. We play imaginary video tapes of encounters with these people. We may fantasize about a fashion model or the person sitting next to us in biology class. We don’t have a real relationship with them, and to be honest, we’re afraid to have one. It’s a lot easier and less threatening to keep it virtual. But virtual friends aren’t really friends at all.
Shallow friends
Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man of many companions comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Some of us are social butterflies. We have lots of casual or shallow friendships, but no true friends. We like being popular, but we are really protecting ourselves from being known and keeping people from getting close to us. My wife is my closest friend, but I started realizing something. With all of my traveling, I didn’t have many close friends. I made it a priority to find some close friends, guys who would encourage me and I can encourage them to be strong in the Lord. . . and to have some good laughs, too. When we try to be friends with everybody, we compromise what we believe so we will fit in. We lose our own values and identity, and then we can’t enjoy the give-and-take of true friendships. An English proverb states, “A friend to all is a friend to none.”
Fools
Proverbs 14:17 says, “Stay away from the foolish man for you will not find knowledge on his lips.” Foolish people don’t value truth about God, about themselves, about the consequences of their behavior, or about anything else. If you hang around them, you will be deceived. You will hear their lies and their half-truths about life, and you will get hurt. You need to stay away from foolish people. Solomon wrote, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Foolish people can be really attractive. They may be really smart. They may be funny, flashy, and powerful, but spending time with them is like playing with fire. Sooner or later, you’ll get burned. Find some wise people who love God and are trying to follow Him. Develop friendships with those people.
Wicked People
Proverbs 12:26 says, “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Wicked people are much like fools, but their intent is more sinister. Wicked people delight in doing evil. When we use words like “evil,” we often think of people like Marilyn Manson, but there are plenty of people in our schools and neighborhoods who look normal on the outside but who secretly delight in manipulating people. They use people for their own purposes, and they don’t care how it affects others. The problem is that many of these people put on a mask and appear to be very likable and friendly. It’s only after we are around them for a while that we see what’s in their hearts-and by then, it takes a lot of courage to back away and take their taunts and abuse. Be cautious in friendships. Stay away from people who laugh when someone is hurt or who delight in doing wrong.
Gossips
Solomon wrote, “A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid a man (or a woman) who talks too much.” Why do some of us get such a thrill out of talking about people behind their backs? Part of it is that we love secrets. That makes it exciting. Part of it is that our gossip puts others down and makes us look better in comparison. But I really think the main motivation for gossip is revenge, to hurt someone for a real or imagined offense. If you’re a girl, the offense may be somebody else getting a date with the guy you wanted to go out with. Instead of going on with life, you go to your friends and bad-mouth that girl. It makes you feel better, but sooner or later, you’ll be the target of someone else’s gossip. One of the sad things I see in a lot of high schools (and some youth groups, too) is a destructive web of gossip. One person started it, but now almost everybody is talking about everybody else in secret. And to be honest, nobody knows what the truth is anymore! The lies and back-stabbing hurt everybody even remotely associated with that crowd. Avoid somebody who talks too much, even if it’s your mother or if your best friend. A gossip is basically trying to make other people look bad so that they look better. Solomon wrote, “A gossip separates close friends” (Proverbs 16:28). Stay away from gossips, and don’t be one yourself!
Volcanoes
Proverbs 22:24 says, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” Do you know people who are an explosion waiting to happen? I do. Solomon says to stay away from people like that or you will become that way yourself. We may just laugh at somebody breaking a window or smashing a wall and say, “Oh, that’s Barry. It’s okay. He does it all the time.” But it’s not okay. It hurts them, and it hurts us, too. Sometimes these people use their anger to threaten us so we won’t back away. Nobody likes to be yelled at or growled at or threatened with physical violence. If you are around somebody like that, have enough respect for yourself to get away. If you can’t get away because you are too afraid, talk to your parents, youth pastor, or someone else who can help.
Demanding People
Real friends respect each other. They don’t whine and sulk or bristle up and demand we do what they want when they want it. A lot of people don’t know how to be friends. They don’t know how to respect people and resolve problems when they come up. Instead, they try to use the power of yelling, withdrawing, whining, or glaring to get other people to do what they want. All of us are a bit demanding from time to time, but be careful to avoid people who have to control you. That’s not real friendship at all.
Needy People
I know some folks who are really compassionate and kind. They are wonderful friends, but sometimes their compassion makes them easy prey for chronically needy people who only know how to relate to people by letting others “fix” them. They talk about their problems non-stop, and they are deeply offended if we don’t give them our undivided attention and do everything they want us to do for them. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying we shouldn’t help those who are in need, but beware those who are always needy, who aren’t anything but needy, and who expect us to come to their rescue at a moment’s notice. That’s not friendship. That’s the Red Cross! In his letter to the Galatians, Paul communicated the balance we need. He wrote, “Bear one another’s burdens” (6:2), but “each one shall bear his own load” (6:5). A burden is like a 10-ton rock which we can’t carry on our own. The load is like a backpack each of us should carry for ourselves. It takes a lot of wisdom to know when to help someone who has a genuine burden and when the most loving thing we can do is to back off and say, “No, I think you need to be responsible for this yourself.” Our consistent honesty can then be combined with pointing them to get help (often from a pastor or counselor) to deal with the real problems underneath that have led to their manipulative behavior.
Fair Weather Friends
The test of friendship is when there are problems. It’s easy to laugh and talk and have fun together, but a true friend is there for us in adversity. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). Don’t be surprised if some of your “good friends” suddenly check out when you need them most. Remember, there are only a few at the top of the triangle of friendship-and all we really need is one. Let the others go. Don’t condemn them. They may come back eventually, and they may learn something from the experience. But it really hurts when somebody walks away when you need them. A man once told me, “A true friend is somebody who walks in the door when everybody else is walking out.” It really hurts when we trust somebody and they don’t come through for us. Proverbs 25:19 says, “Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble.” A friend of mine told me that one of his teeth broke off a few years ago when he was eating pizza (pretty tough pizza!). He had no clue his tooth was brittle, and when it broke, it really hurt him. When someone we trust doesn’t support us when we need him most, the pain can be a lot worse than biting into a pizza with a broken tooth!
