Divorce

Many books have been written on the causes for divorce and when (or if) it is legitimate for Christians to divorce. That’s not what I want to focus on here. I want to talk about how painful it is for everybody involved when a marriage is heading for divorce or has already split up.

The anger and resentment of years of conflict boil over in bitterness, loneliness, and confusion-not only for the couple, but for the children, too. In fact, the parents often try to use the kids as pawns in the game. They demand the kids take sides and support them in the conflict. That isn’t fair, and it certainly isn’t healthy. Divorce, or the threat of it, makes each person feel betrayed and unstable. It creates a lot of fear and loneliness, as well as anger.

If your parents have divorced or are heading for divorce, make sure you get some support and insight from somebody who is calm and objective. You may think you are somehow to blame. You’re not! Your parents made the choice to get married, and they were (or are) responsible to “love, honor, and cherish” each other. If you feel like you have to be the one to make their marriage work, it will drive you crazy!

Here are some principles to remember:

1. Don’t take sides. Be as objective as possible, and be supportive of both. Speak the truth, especially if one or both try to get you to take sides against the other parent.
2. Don’t blame or gossip. Don’t let yourself get caught up in the middle of their struggle. You can’t be their counselor or keep their secrets without hurting people, including yourself.
3. Have clear expectations. If the relationship is over, clearly define how much time and when you will spend with each parent.
4. Get help. You will need to get help for yourself, and maybe for your siblings, too. You can suggest that your parents see a pastor or counselor, but you can’t make them go - and you sure can’t make them change. Be honest about your feelings. Don’t blurt out your anger or hurt just anytime you feel like it, but find someone who cares and who understands and who can help you deal with your anger, hurt, betrayal, and confusion.
5. Look to God. Develop a deep walk with the Lord during this time of stress and crisis. Let him give you insight from his word and strength from his Spirit. Let God comfort you and give you his peace.

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